What's a Bieber?

Question here for you my lovely readers:  

What music do 7 year olds listen to these days?? 

Reason for my question. There is a special Little Poppet (LP) turning 7 this weekend and I thought I'd compile a wee CD for the aspiring Rachel Berry:

• Theatrical personality, attitude and penchant for stars - check. 
• A liking for putting together "productions" and dance numbers for herself and her brothers to perform for captive adult family members - check.  

Glee - you have a lot to answer for.

So, having dived in and sifted through the detritus that is current top 40 "pop", I now come up to the surface for air thoroughly disheartened and truth be told, a wee bit sad. Pine-age for the 'good ol' days' has well and truly set in (mind you, am certain too that the early to mid 80's and early 90's are slightly skewed through my rose-tinted, whale sized glasses). From what I've seen thus far as TGA and I trawl through what's currently on offer via various top 40 charts - it's enough to make one beach one's self. 

Yes, the songs are catchy - I'll give them that. However, here is where an old-fashioned whale like me starts to get a bit ranty and slightly bewildered:

• What is with all the half-naked, gyrating, Lolita-esque "look-at-me-ism" going on? Is there a fully dressed female 'singer' out there anywhere at the moment? AND, why do you all dance like you're rubbing oil onto yourselves? *confused*

• Why are 50's bathing suits now being passed off as evening wear? Yes, Katy Perry, I'm talking to you. I would also like to know if you get dressed in the dark. Surely not - as I'm sure you have enough money to buy many lights and mirrors for your enough-rooms-to-house-Africa palace.
• Why oh why, is someone called a "Miley" allowed to sing? Is she a new kind of superhero? Goody-goody-gumdrops Hannah Montana by day; Super Mooxie by night? How do you summon her? Is there a Mooxie light that the townspeople can shine into the sky to beckon her?
• I have also found the source of the leggings-as-pants movement. Nicole Scherz-whatever-your-name-is...I'm coming for you.

The leggings are only the beginning of her problems.

• Why is choosing a front seat over a back seat on a Friday so important? Yes, Rebecca Black, your song, lack of appreciation for rhyme/rhythm/melody and grating voice drives this whale to drink. Heavily.
• What the hell is a Bieber? Animal, vegetable, mineral? 

Those and many other random questions are bouncing around in my sleep deprived brain at the moment but alas, I may never find the answers to them all. I'm sure though that these sphinx-quality, mysteries-of-the-current-age are NOT the cause of my current insomnia.

So, back to the task at hand. Sifting through TGA's collection of CDs (legit and "legit-Asian-versions"...) this is the list we've come up with. Kinda going for a happy/fun/dance-like-a-dag, G-rated vibe here. No Gaga. No Jonas Brothers (cringe). Thoughts? Culls?

1. Into the Groove - Madonna
2. Express Yourself - Madonna
3. Locomotion - Kylie Minogue
4. Stronger - Britney Spears
5. Mamma Mia - from the Mamma Mia soundtrack
6. Yellow Submarine - The Beatles
7. Octopus' Garden - The Beatles
8. All You Need is Love - The Beatles
9. Sing It Back - Moloko
10. Young Hearts Run Free - Kym Mazelle
11. Ray of Light - Madonna
12. Nothing Really Matters - Madonna
13. Heaven is a Place on Earth - Belinda Carlisle 
14. Jolene - Dolly Parton.
15. Top of the World - The Carpenters
16. Ooby Dooby - Creedence Clearwater Revival 
17. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
18. Don't Stop - Fleetwood Mac
19. Material Girl - Madonna
20. Beautiful - Cristina Aguilera, but we've opted for the Glee version
21. Dancing Queen - from the Mamma Mia soundtrack
22. We Will Rock You - Queen
23. Dressed For Success - Roxette
24. Good Dancers - The Sleepy Jackson
25. Baby I Don't Care - Transvision Vamp
26. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
27. Walk Like An Egyptian - The Bangles

Too much? Maybe a double CD compilation perhaps...?

Oooh - you will also see that there is now a email-y subscribe-y option up over on the right of the blog! Yes, whales can fit into your inbox! Don't miss a single rant :)

Enjoy the weekend wherever you are! 
Suggestions for the Little Poppet mixed CD more than welcome!

Be good!
x Bruce

A Clean Abode and a possible New Abode...

As the temperature drops in Melbourne, I find myself reminiscing and thinking of home. The chilly waters of the Antarctic, just me and the boys dossing about - magical days. Long dives, dark waters and echo-y bliss. As zen as a whale can get I reckon. Mind you, not much to eat down there but those damned giant squid (if I had hands I'd shake my fist at you all!) and those freaky looking fish with the lights on their heads (u.g.l.y - definitely no alibis and certainly no friends either - they can be complete dicks). 

A pain in the arse and chewy as all buggery. AND they scratch you! So rude.

Gaaaaaaahh! 
The fish equivalent of "that kid" in the play ground who then turns into "that guy" at work later on in life...

Ahhh, the days when food was a struggle. *sigh*

Fast forward to life here and well, one doesn't have to swim far or put up much of a fight to fill the gap within. Happily, the little Asian that I live with had a friend staying over just recently. Loosely translated into both human and whale-speak this means "weee-heeee *squeal*, let's go eat out!" Note: the squealing bit was all TGA.

A quick observation too while I'm here. What is with the frenzied cleaning that goes on before you humans have a non-permanent-inhabitant-of your-abode coming to stay??! Though I am aware that TGA has a strange affinity-bordering-on-addiction for disinfectant and cleanliness (darling girl, you are not going achieve godliness in this lifetime) even this recent display was slightly unhinged - yes, even for her. Think frazzled hair, wild eyes and a striking resemblance to Lady Macbeth and her 'out damned spot' mumblings... 

Modus Operandi for TGA Cyclone of Cleaning:

• 2 parts Tassie Devil (a la Looney Tunes)
• 3 parts Spray & Wipe cleaning woman
• 1 part temper tantrum at all who walk on newly vacuumed carpet or dare shed any skin/fur for the following 24 hours post-cleaning 

The Unholy Trinity

For flavouring, add a sprinkling of wide-eyed zeal...that was a fun afternoon for Tall Boy (TB) and Melancholy Paws-sonified (the saddest dog known to mankind - aka 'MP')...

For me, highly amusing viewing watching TGA's whole "ARGH!! We can't let people know that we're content to live in squalor! Quick - hand me the bleach! Ergh! What is this??!!" cleaning whirlwind. Similarly amusing is watching TB's resigned face take in the madness - a face of one who's seen it so many times before and still knows not what to do about it. Perhaps it's TGA's own special way of expressing excitement at seeing a play friend?...maybe? What a manifestation though - pheeeeew. 

Q: Do you all do the mad cleaning thing pre- visitors? 

Anyway, we're on the return trip from my tangent now...and so, Beautiful A did finally blow in from the West and descended upon the sparkling, dust/hair/fur/dirt free house and what a marvellous visit it was :)

An afternoon of bubbles, oozy cheeses, stinky cheeses and chit chat punctuated by high pitched giggles and the ubiquitous expletive (you know, girls swear SOOOOOO much more than boys. Enough to make a whale blush even - and I've heard a lot of dirty sailor swearing) ensues followed quite swiftly by a tram ride to Franco Choo's (hooray - I LOVE trams!) 

Now, this isn't me but I just love this picture.

Franco Choo's, Franco Choo's...how I want to move into Franco Choo's (no offence TGA). Tucked off to the side of the main drag of Prahran, this quaint, pocket-sized bistro has squirreled a path right to the centre of my whale-sized heart. And so, the start of a potentially expensive (thanks TGA!) and long love affair looks a little like this:

Cute, cute and more cute! If whales hibernated, this is where you'd find me...warms my little heart :)

Sounds soooo naff, but these were baby carrots to click home about. I know! Carrots! What the?! Strange but true - this was THE dish of the night.

Pumpkin risoni pasta with mustard fruit (yum!) and crushed amaretti. Salty, sweet, creamy - comfort food of the highest order. AND, if you closed your eyes and tried with all your might, you could probably mentally transport yourself to a wee, hill-top Italian town trattoria.

The seagull's eye view. Oh, my kingdom for smell-a-vision...

The glutton's eye view. Braised free-range chicken leg, leek, potatoes, pistachio, lemon and parsley sauce. The girls had 2 entrees; TB said he could easily have done 2 of these. This was a MASSIVE main but I'd whole-heartedly agree with him here. Mmm...so much chicken...

Rosemary crepes, chestnut chocolate cream, saffron pears and mascarpone. Pleasingly not as sweet as it sounds - if possible, a savoury dessert. With so many big teeth you'd think I'd have at least a sweet tooth or two. Not the case but I have to say, this was water spoutingly grand!

Now this. Pheeeeeeew! Panna cotta normally gives me the 'irts' with all of its wibbly wobbliness (not a jelly, not a mousse or pudding - what the f*ck are you??!! You annoy me that's what.) but ahoy me hearties, Ahab's leg has nothing on this.

So to sum up as I've wailed on a bit now:

Food: as you can see above, just splendificent and bordering on Disney magical. TGA was planning and scheming the next visit before we had even set foot outside to leave the bistro. I think she may have mentally moved in. 

Drink: the humans had wine. 2007 Mount Charlie Tempranillo in fact. And, judging from the speed at which the first bottle evaporated and a second bottle miraculously appeared within minutes (see? Disney magic I swear!), I'd say it was a bit o' alright. 

Service: easy, breezy, knowledgable and efficient. Friendly too god forbid (yes, I'm talking to all of you hipster doofus, too-cool-for-school cafes running amok out there). Very inviting space and welcoming, convivial ambience - felt like we were dining at a friend's house(...and didn't have to wash up or help serve drinks...or keep the wayward aunty in line as she's had a few too many sherries...). Just lovely :) 

Loos: I used the plural here but in reality - just the one toilet. But, as TGA pointed out to me whilst on her toilets re-con (yes, she actually calls them that), points for having not ONLY anti-bacterial soap (me thinks that girl really does need her head read) but having fancy, lily-of-the-valley scented anti-bacterial liquid soap. Again, the peculiarities of the small Grazing Asian person baffles me. A consult from Rainman might be handy here...

A return trip is definitely on the cards! And so ends this treat-of-a-visit from Beautiful A and the culinary skip-to-my-Choo's with my darlings.

Good night everyone - hope you've all been eating well - it is stew weather dont'cha know!

The Benefits of Yoga

For a whale, the whole yoga thing can be a bit tricky. Take a moment here to picture it.

Yeah, see? Awkward. But points for trying my brother. 

Agreed. Those balancing postures are a bitch.

But yoga indeed I did. You see, The Grazing Asian (TGA) has this persistent hair brained scheme to inflict the downward dog movement upon her work colleagues and so, being the loyal whale companion that I am, one goes along to enable her delusion. Yes my darling girl, yoga has changed your life but I'm not too sure your work mates are of the same belief. God love her though - she does try. All whirlwind, persistence and irrational perkiness that one (when will it end? Nobody knows).

Anyway, the benefits of yoga that I've discovered, as I'm sure you're all well aware, are plentiful and wide-ranging. Examples generally spouted include: 

• Improved posture
• General good health
• Increased flexibility (TGA can reach the top kitchen shelf at home with her left foot. Great party trick or just kinda weird, don't know. Jury's still out.)
• Improved mental focus
• The ability to consistently bore others around you with the whole "I feel sooooo amazing and in tune with myself" line
• Sudden urges to eat lentils. What's with that?

However, it turns out my favourite benefit of yoga is the inevitable outing to an eatery afterwards to reward all the hard-out stretching and breathing that one has just completed. Humans. Rewarding themselves for breathing. What next?

Aums (or 'Oms') and Namastes cast aside for the week, we two beetled into the bone chilly Melbourne night (sans lycra I might add - I made her get changed. One does not 'legging it' and potentially camel toe in Melbourne CBD - whether you're Asian or not)and came to beach ourselves at a rather random spozzie called The Long Room.

With the powers vested in him and his little phone/mobile thingy that does a gazillion things, TGA's much funner half - Tall Boy (TB)- randomly chose this little den of delights. 

From the outset, any place that you could walk past a million times and not know it was there but then when you actually do find it, entices you in with a red carpetted descent into a dimly lit and yummy smelling space gets all my whale-y senses tingling!

Apologies too - we only had a camera phone at our disposal this night so slightly crappy photos ahead. AND, go figure, The Long Room, is actually a really long room :)

Before I go any further, I'd like to point out that this is NOT a food blog. My whaley aversion to blogosphere wankerism prefers, hmmm...perhaps, "Adventure Chronicles" - probably more apt :)

I also don't profess to know all and everything about every single frickin' celebrity chef skulking the laneways of Melbourne, nor will I spend paragraph upon paragraph waxing lyrical about nigella seeds or verjuice (will leave that to the awes-mazing Maggie Beer). Others do it better than moi - I just like to eat and have handy ol' TGA take piccies along the way. 

So, minor wail aside (get it?! so punny!), let's get a wriggle on. As always and true to TGA form, the evening of grazing begins with a couple of G&Ts. So small in stature yet polishes off a couple in quick sucession. That yoga really must take it out of the wee poppet...

Believe it or not, I never used to drink - they're a bad influence on me these landlubbers...ooh ooh too! New favourite gin - Martin Miller's - if you haven't already - do it :)

Not renowned for being a seafood fiend, all were pleasantly surprised by TB's stellar soft-shelled crab pick.

Ahhhh arancini - how I love thee. Cheeky golden brown balls of rice-y, fior di latte-y, eyes-rolling-into-the-back-of- your-head yumminess. Imagine having a bowl of these at the movies! If I was a squid, I would have just inked myself at the thought.

Am a total geezer for gyoza. Any time, any place, no matter how bad - I'll still scarf them down. Sad but true. Luckily, these little beauties were bang-on, deeply savoury, goodly goodness. 

Japanese crispy chicken with 7 spices. A gastronomical world away from the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices and thankfully, so much tastier! Surprise hits of ginger to reach deep down and warm the soul and fins.

Teehee. Awkward and kinda wrong? Perhaps...but such tasty wrong! Better them and not me I'm thinking...

I know, I know. Now I'm just gloating.

I have to say, the dud dessert of the night. Small, pastry was rock hard, and tragically, that is how the icecream blob arrived at our table. Sad huh? Lemon curd was at eye squinty levels though (that's a good thing).

Almond and custard filo pastry. SORRY!! Horrendous piccie (can't get good help these days) but a solid sweet. Unexpectedly grand - flaky, warm, rich, custard-y AND topped with ice cream. What's not to love? Joy on a plate.

Moi again! In case you hadn't realised by now, I am a TOTAL attention vortex.

Jury's still out on this one. Korean doughnuts in maple syrup...'WTF' I hear you cry. Exactly. Truth be told, kinda glue-y and heavy. Points though for the massive serving. It does look pretty in a deep fried petanque boule kinda way I suppose...

The Long Room:

• Food - would I click home about it? Probably not but it was pretty good. Serving sizes were very generous. Savouries were worth the outing. Desserts could do with a bit of fine-tuning.
• Booze - GREAT selection of everything. $10 cocktails on a Thursday night. TGA didn't indulge this night (highly uncharacteristic) but the seed has been planted in that wee head of hers...
• Service - our waitress was Fabulous with a capital 'F'. Sorry we didn't catch your name (and you clocked off before we left) but you had our hearts when you cracked an Asian joke. And yes, she was Asian (I hear those 'tut tuts'). Think it may have been love from TGA's seat.
• Toilets - thumbs down. I may be a whale and one might think I'm not choosy about where I 'go' but I do have standards. Looked like night club loos and in desperate need of a Jamie Durie-esque overhaul and well, a general wipedown would be nice. Gross. And that was the ladies (I have no choice alright? I go where TGA goes).

And finally, general thoughts, ideas, aspirations, rants...:

1. Stretching it out afterwards is for nerds. A "strenuous" yoga session is best offset by lots of good company, good gin, rambling conversation (often the result of the 'good gin'), and a seemingly never-ending parade of share plates. Communal slash pick/mix dining is the shizz folks.
2. The Long Room is located NOT near the Parliament end of the CBD (yes, TB, I'm talking to you). However, it does make for an 'energising' walk should you find yourselves led astray and parking in that vicinity on a frigid Melbourne evening (again, yes, am looking at you TB).
3. Leggings as pants are a NO-NO. I cannot say this enough. Excusable if you're out running or scarpering from the gym to your car but those are the only exceptions.

Happy Sunday everyone and in my next installment, the gang plus a Westie visitor (hello 'Beautiful A'!) squirrel off to the Franco Choo's. 

A heads up? It was Ahhhhh-MAZING!

Greetings world!

Hello there. I'm Bruce.

Yes and I'm a whale. A sperm whale in fact. Yes, go ahead - snigger if you must. I get that alot. I've also heard all the 'sperm' and 'whale of a time' jokes too.

Anyway, I'm here now living on land and well, as one does in Melbourne, I'm eating out an awful lot and getting up to an abundance of very un-whale-like mischief. Mother would cough up her squid if she knew. Lucky broadband hasn't reached the depths yet.

So, my awfully nice human whale-perone (let's call her 'The Grazing Asian' or 'TGA' for convenience) and I have put our heads together and have decided to document our adventures here in cyberspace. But really, it's all about me. I just let her tag along. Plus, she has hands and can type and take photos.

We'll be writing about and sharing our food/booze/craft/chaos-fuelled adventures. They'll be general musings on everything under the sun and probably a bit of ranting about all and sundry along the way too. Apparently, I'm very opinionated for a whale.

And yes, I am SOOOOOOOOO over giant squid. Chewy buggers.

Thanks for dropping in!